1) Got dumped, that’s such a sucky feeling.

2) Graduating in 1 year’s time! (Provided if I pass the last 2 modules). Time passed by really fast!

3) Work, might leave the lab in Feb next year, if not it’s in May. Hopefully I can finish my research in time!

4) Thinking of my future. Really have no idea right now. Whether I want to do business, or do post-grad medicine. I need guidance. Even better, send me some signs!!

5) Will be starting a new art type of blog. Updates soon!

So cute.

It’s been months since my last entry was up (password protected somemore). Guess it’s time for some new updates.

1. After reading previous posts, I realised that i’ve focused too much on my unhappiness. Guess it’s time to focus on other things that are important to me. Also, I guess we just didn’t understand each other well enough. Got to slowly build that up.

2. I admit I’ve been slacking too much at work, so much that even I feel guilty. Hopefully after this year, I won’t have depression again. It is indeed a terrible experience. I’ve promised myself to produce 2 scientific journals (at least) plus helping my boss to my very best. Right now I am just keeping my fingers crossed that our lab’s first paper goes through.

3. I’m taking Japanese. Super busy, but it’s worth it! but I’m feeling so much stress that I kept biting my tongue non-stop. I am going to have ulcers + decrease in brain cells again. Sigh, this is the likely explanation that I became dumber day after day. Oh yes, Jap exam is in December = uber stressed.

4. Besides point 3, My mind has been wondering about creating business. But, I guess it’s impossible for me. With no experience, no friends to work out issues with me, no money, plus lots of “red tape”… Sigh… Kinda depressing.

5. Investments? With such low salary, I guess it’s impossible. Unless someone can teach me. I really wanna learn, but how?!

6. Before you start investing, you’ll need to learn how to save. However I want to buy so many things! Sigh! My MacBook Pro……

7. After my degree, I don’t know what do I wanna do. To fulfil my desires to help others, or to create a future for myself and my family? In short, passion or money? I really don’t know. After this, it is a lifetime decision I have to make. I need advice. and LOTS of them.

8. Any tips/ recommendation for a HK trip? I’m going there soon! And I’ll be a tour guide for my cousin!! So excited, and stressed at the same time. Oh gawd.

9. I REALLY hope I won’t fail this module I cannot fail it!!!!!!!! (I didn’t do 1 Essay, 2 SAQ = 25% of the paper due to the lack of time. SIGH! Depressing to just think about it). Results will be released on 3 June. STRESSED!!

Updates done.

I think working in lab (for so long) has taught me to summarized everything. And that includes in blog entries. AHAHA.

Today I think my younger sister is a fucking brat who has not sense of responsibility.

Its all parents’ wish to see their kids scoring well for exams right? I mean, in this world, age and time (in Singapore context), no parents want their kids to suffer in future, wanting the best out of them.

Kids, on the other hand, thinks they’re smarter than the adults all the time just because:

1) They’re younger (more brain cells and stamina to think and react)

2) Thinks that more enthusiastic = more brainy = can outsmart the adults. NICE.

3) They think money flows like how water goes down the toilet bowl (SOME people)

I’ve know of people who

a) think they’re rich and that they’ll rather spend the rest of their lives hunting for rich guys, dreaming of wanting to be tai tai, rotting their lives away taking care of rodents that cannot be eaten

b) think they’re rich and that they’ll be rich for the rest of their lives just because their parents gives them what-family-inheritance to rot their lives away.

My sister belongs to the extreme opposite.

She thinks that she’ll burden my family with her expenses and that she wanted to do her part by saving as much money as possible for the family.

Personally, I don’t see that as a problem until it clashes with responsibility, and the adults who has kids who thinks they’re smarter than them, thinks they themselves are the smartest.

My sister, decided to save money by not having tuition and decided to study on her own. When she first had tuition (with my bf), she was “shocked” to see the amount of money my mother have to pay him for tuition. (Mind you that her PREVIOUS tutor was like 2 times more expensive than my bf’s rate)

Then she found out that her friends are having some financial difficulty, and wanted to ask my bf to tutor her friends and her as a group. That idea was eventually called off, because she was a FUCKING INDECISIVE PERSON. (SO FUCKING INDECISIVE HOW TO BE MATURE?).

“Okay, no tuition, so what?”

She didn’t paid for the 2 lessons she has taken for the past 2 months. Or rather, SHE REFUSED TO ASK MY MOTHER FOR THE FUCKING MONEY. JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS THE TUTOR TO FORGET ABOUT THE PAYMENT, AND SO SHE CAN SAVE MONEY.

WTF is this? You want to forgo tuition, its your problem (since you wanna save money). HOW ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO WASTED 2 HOURS for 2 WEEKS JUST TO SIT WITH YOU AND ACCOMPANY YOU TO STUDY? WHERE IS THE FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY OF PAYING PEOPLE WHEN YOU PROMISED THEM?!?!?

THIS IS DAMN FUCKING ABSURD. Worst still, during the 3rd lesson (when she decided to stop tuition), SHE STILL GOT THE CHEEK TO GO INTO HER ROOM, LOCK THE DOOR, AND CRY. WHILE the tutor was waiting for her patiently for 2 hours WAITING FOR HER. (He didn’t even charge that!)

WTF you tell me?

EVERYTIME I reminded her to tell mummy, she will always say “ok…”, and nothing comes out from her fucking mouth except bullshit.

So when I reminded her just now (this time with a firm voice), she kept quiet, then walked out of the room, and THREW me a $50 note. YES she THREW it AT MY FACE.

Funny thing, when my mummy came back, she hinted to my mother that SHE had to pay my bf money BECAUSE my BF WANTED THE MONEY.

MY MOTHER STILL GOT THE CHEEK TO SAY “他又跟你要錢是嗎？”

PLEASE LA my dear sister, if you want pay the fees, go ahead, I won’t stop you, but you must remember. YOU GOT NO QUALIFICATIONS, NO WORKING EXPERIENCE, NO JOBS, NO MONEY, and you wanted to pay?

DON’T BE STUPID. SERIOUSLY.

AND DON’T EVEN TRY TO ACT INNOCENT IN FRONT OF MUM. AS IF YOU’RE FORCED TO DO IT.

YOU TRY NOT PAYING GOVERNMENT TAX or PHONE BILL LOR. I shall see if the government and telecom will FORGET about it or not.

Update: My sister planning to bake cake for her friend but not mine and ignores me completely.. I’m SO happy to have a sister like that..

1) Got my work contract extended for 2 years (Yippie!) Although the salary still remains the same (aiyah, no results to give to boss how to negotiate with boss for pay increase?)

2) Still attached (surprisingly. And Yes, my bf loves me)

3) Got my DSLR, shall aim for a piano and laptop next (PSP, I never neglect you!). But have set my eyes on Canon S90 already.. *heh heh heh*

4) been fighting with my mother (more of that later)

5) been learning dissection (pretty interesting actually)

6) Got my first credit card (and tons of brochure telling me that the government is watching my EVERY MOVE). Relax people, its a $500 limit card. Haven’t used it at all.

7) Filed my first income tax (ROAR!)

About the mother’s issue. Be it male or female (this applies especially to females), you get older, to nag more. This is a life cycle, and every (and I mean EVERY) child will think that as their mother gets older, she gets naggier. I mean, its normal right? Ican bet with you my whole life’s fortune that my kids (if I ever get one, that is) will think I’m naggy. Even my father thinks my nags are getting annoying. (Must be the “working-life-induced-nags” syndrome again)

But then, its really more irritating to realize that your mother scolds you when, 1) she said completely opposite things before; 2) she expects you to read her mind when she hides things from you all the time.

DAMN annoying la. Okay here’s the story:

Story Part 1 (happened on 9 april 2010):

It was 10.30pm when I was walking to the bus stop behind ion to take a bus back home. Then the phone rang.

Me: Hello?

Phone: 姐姐, mummy ask you what time are you coming home (then my mother shouts from the living room “你問她現在幾點了，不會看時間嗎?!”

Me: *Sigh* YES I KNOW, I AM ON MY WAY BACK HOME NOW.

Next thing I knew, mother grabs the phone from my sister

Mother: 我問你，你懂不懂的看時間？你今天出去做甚麼？

Me: Dinner with friends? then chill out? I thought I told you EVERYTHING? *trying to keep my cool*

Mother: 有很多話講嗎？

Me: Finally lose control (cause I HATE it when she interrogates me, its like a NEVER ENDING police questioning), So I said “yep, we have alot of things to say, NOW I AM AT THE BUS STOP WAITING FOR BUS, what do you want me to do?”

Mother: 好,既然你說你有很多話講，我就給你在外面講到夠直到你要回家！*hangs up*

After that, when I reached home at 11.15pm she LOCKED me outside of the house for 1 hour+. And (don’t know if I remembered correctly) she told my elder sister (who isn’t in Singapore)that “I was being rebellious that I don’t wanna go home and making her worry and that she had to stay up AWAKE to WAIT FOR ME TO GO HOME” (When I was fucking waiting outside)

Then after she told me sister this: “I’m okay with her (me) going home late, just that I want KC(bf) to send her home, you know how dangerous is it outside? If he’s not going to send her then I want her home by 9.30pm”

Firstly, WTF? YOU LOCKED ME OUTSIDE (assuming you ordered the family NOT TO OPEN the door when they heard the doorbell) AND GOT THE CHEEK TO TELL ME THAT.

Secondly, KC IS, WILL, and CAN NEVER be beside me 24-7 (use your brain can? You are the one who asked US to meet up only ONCE A WEEK) PLEASE DO NOTE THAT I wasn’t with him that night. Does that mean that even if I’m not meeting him, I have to ask him to fetch me home (despite him being elsewhere, even at home, just to send me home?) please la, use your brain again CAN? (你好歹也是一個媽媽, he’s someone’s child for heaven’s sake, not my bodyguard!)

Thirdly, I take AT LEAST 1 HOUR TO TRAVEL BACK HOME. So that means I gotta finish my stuff my 8.30pm (Which is fucking IMPOSSIBLE) AT LEAST I BOTHERED TO CALL YOU AND 報平安 and keep my phone with me in case you wanna call me (even if I missed your call, I’ll call back as soon as I saw the miss call to let you worry less)

Fourth, She was the one who said that I should socialize more and she can be so fucking contradicting

Fifth, back to the 9.30pm curfew. Point 1, Initially my curfew was 11.30PM (GOD KNOWS WHY IT WAS CHANGED BACK TO MY POLY CURFEW, and yes, she was THAT STRICT)

Point 2: Like that I don’t need to go school already (Since my school ends at 10pm and I take 1 hour to reach home). MIGHT AS WELL QUIT SCHOOL (got curfew mah, bf cannot fetch me also).

Sixth, I don’t normally go out (Because my parents DON’T LIKE me to go out, so I try not to go out as frequently (that’s why my mother calls me anti-social and that I must socialize). When I don’t go out, they nag. When I go out, they act as if I am a rebellious bitch claiming to be their daughter.

“they are so contradicting meh?” you see the next 2 scenarios lor:

Overseas trip

Mother: “You’re big enough to make your own decisions now.”

Me: “So can I go overseas when my friends?”

Mother: “you decide lor”

Me: “Okay! I wanna go HK!”

Mother: “Cannot! remember the acid incident?”

Me: “how about thailand?”

Mother: “Cannot!, now dangerous”

Me: “how about taiwan?”

Mother: “better not, not really safe”

Me: … “okay, somewhere near.. like.. Malaysia, batam, bintan, bali?”

Mother: “DEFINITELY NO! Malaysia and batam dangerous, bintan and bali got tsunami..”

TELL ME? DO I HAVE A CHOICE IN TRAVELLING?

Driving woes

I can’t remember who said it, but I remember my mum saying she’ll sponsor me in my driving lessons if I take school lessons. Then the next thing I knew I have to pay everything

Me: “Mummy you said before you wanna sponsor my driving right?”

Mummy: “er.. ya, you’re working now, need me to pay meh?”

Me: “School lesson very expensive leh”

Mummy: “okay lor, I pay for you, in return, you have to sponsor both of your sisters.

WHERE GOT SUCH THINGS YOU TELL ME

And the last thing I heard was that my MUM REWARDED MY SISTER FOR GETTING As FOR O LEVELs. Like WTF? She NEVER EVEN said such things to me when I had my O levels.

This is damn fucking bias, unfair and contradicting. SO MUCH FOR “I AM BEING FAIR TO EACH ONE OF YOU IN THE FAMILY”

First, I need to get a piano. Can anyone get me a piano? Something like Yamaha CLP series (like CLP-380PE) will be good enough (:

You are my field of gold
My wild rose
You are my only hope
You are the one
You are my ray of light on a starless night
You are my raising sun
You are the one
You are the one

You’re the one that keeps this love alive
You’re the one who sends a shiver down my spine
You’re the one who makes my soul complete
Stay as you are
Stay in my heart

You are my field of gold
My wild rose
You are my only hope
You are the one
You are my ray of light
On a starless night
You are my raising sun
You are the one
You are the one

As I lay me down to sleep I feel your body soft and sweet
I know my dream has just begun
And I m the luck one
As I lay and watch you breath I feel the rhythm and the beat
I’m melting deeper into love
And you’re the only one

You are my field of gold
My wild rose
You are my only hope
You are the one
You are my ray of light on a starless night
You are my raising sun
You are the one
You are the one

Life.. is slowly showing signs of screw-ups

Also, as time passes, my future just gets darker and darker..

Don’t know where to go, what to do after graduation..

Want to learn things but just can’t find the time..

Caring for someone apathetic and getting hurt..

Been told that i’m not good at this, not good at that… (Wasn’t given a chance to prove my worth)

Sometimes I just feel that life really sucks, especially when you have absolutely no idea where your future lies.. and when the person you really trust, is out there to get you (seems like she has a grudge with you).

You know she like that, but you can’t help getting hurt.

Now, all I wanna do, is to not think and be apathetic. How?

What I wanna do?

I want to be in a room,

with no windows, only a door.

Where I can contact with nothing.

No living beings,

No sound,

No Light,

Can enter my boundaries.

Then, I want to be blindfolded. 

Lying on the soft floor (be it being covered by fur, wool, cotton, water or air)

With my arms spread as wide as I can.

To lay there. Still. Not a movement.

And not thinking

That is what I want to do.

I don’t even know who I am now. What is the real me?

I’m tired. Really tired.

Yes?

You said before that education is and will be the most important asset in our life.

Yup, that’s right. Do you want to be like the girl that goes “BoomZ!” ? 

Erm.. Of course not.

So, it is your responsibility to study hard while you can. Alrights?

Yes Mummy. But I am not asking you about this.

Then what do you want to ask? (getting a little annoyed)

You said that you are responsible to provide us with education, right?

uh huh… 

So, that means, you’ll do anything to give us that asset…

uh huh…

Which includes paying for our education?

Of course, so you think you’re capable of paying your school fees is it? Now out with it. What do you want?

Remember my diploma fees was paid using your CPF right?

YES? WHAT ABOUT IT?

They (CPF “runners”) are asking me to pay back my diploma fees. 

SO?

Do you want to pay in full or installments? 

Of course installments la. Once the money goes in, it will never come out until you are old (& senile, That’s why it is called retirement funds)

So what is your account number?

For?

Well you said you are responsible for my education, that’s why i need your account so that they can deduct (the installments through Giro) from there.

So you want me to pay your school fees?

erm.. isn’t that obvious?

write your bank account number down la

Huh? So, are you asking me to pay myself? My entire 3 years diploma fees BY MYSELF?

難道你還要跟我伸手要錢嗎？ (please don’t tell me you still want to get money from me)

(but you said…………………..)

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I’ve really got nothing to say man